The Search for Faith

So here we go. My first 'official' blog post.

Let's just lay down some ground information. I'm not a blogger. I don't know how these work or what I'm supposed to do to make a great or even half decent post. But, I at least have to try, right? And if this all falls on my face and this entry becomes nothing but my ramblings, I can start over? Oh, wait, this is the Internet.

I guess the real reason I'm doing this blog is A) Because I've always wanted to; B) It should get the creative juices flowing; C) Because my religion professor suggested it; D) Because I want to document my progress throughout the remainder of my time here at BYU and possibly longer. A lot of the people in my ward blog and I always find them interesting and uplifting. But I'm not doing this for you guys. I'm doing it for me. And maybe later on, I'll do it for you guys too, if there are enough people to actually do that.

So, I'm back here at BYU after a too short two week break back in Texas. As I reflect on the later half of 2013, I think of the struggles I had. I came to BYU expecting life to be easy, as there were as many members here in Utah as there were nonmembers back home. But it turns out that I was quite wrong. I struggled with my testimony almost more than I had back home. Sure, I believed that the Book of Mormon was true and I believed that Heavenly Father knew me personally, but I didn't know. And when I sat in my religion class, listening to all the other students talking about these amazing insights, about how strong their own testimonies were, about how they had received such conformation of Gospel doctrine, I started to ask a lot of questions, the main one being "Do I have enough faith?"
Growing up in the Church, I had always assumed that I had faith. I paid my tithing, went to Church, fulfilled my callings, bore my testimony. I did the same things when I got up here, but something was different. I had started questioning my own faith, not because of what I felt, but because of how others' did. I started wondering if I was good enough for Heavenly Father, if I had enough trust in Him, if He was disappointed because I wasn't as strong in the faith as my other classmates. That way of thinking was so harmful to my spiritual development, nevertheless, it continued unchecked for quite a while.

How did I finally stop this downward self-criticizing spiral? I realized that the only person's spirituality that matters is MINE. Not my friends', not my roommates', not even my sister's, but mine. Just because I didn't know that every bit of Gospel doctrine was true didn't mean that I couldn't have faith and believe in it. In fact, Alma 32:21 perfectly acknowledges this fact. It reads "And now as I said concerning faith-- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

So I don't have to have a perfect knowledge; I just have to be willing to search and hope and try to understand and find my own conformation. Throughout the chapter, Alma continually repeats that faith is not a perfect knowledge, that children can have as much faith as adults without as much knowledge, that faith is a feeling of peace. Faith is something that the most undereducated to most literate man (and woman) can have. This is the beauty of the Gospel, as it is not confined to one class, race, or even level of intelligence. Faith is available to all who diligently seek after it.

As I continue my second semester at BYU (or 'Mormon school,' as my non-member friends like to call it), I'll work on keeping this in mind. No matter how many experiences my classmates have, the only ones that matter are my own.


And since I really don't know how to end a blog post, here it is. THE END